I hate (but still love) the Bengals

As I’m sure everyone in the entire freaking world has seen, the Cincinnati Bengals’ season is off to another phenomenal start. Leave it to the effing Bengals to lose the season opener like that.

Starting from the beginning, the game must have been painfully boring to watch. Unfortunately, I was unable to watch. Yes – I said unfortunately. That’s because I go to school in the country’s worst NFL football state – Missouri. And the sad thing is, I’m originally from Ohio. The Chiefs and the Rams are significantly less exciting and more painful to watch than the Bengals and Browns.

And now a somewhat unrelated tangent…
Based on last week’s game, it looks like St. Louis is getting ready to do its best Bungle impression. Trailing 7-0, they block a field goal and return it for a TD. But the referees review it, see that they had 12 players on the field, call it back, and the Seahawks get the ball back and score to make it 14-0 at the half. It was laughable. And terrible to watch.

The Chiefs and Browns both played similar games: hang around for most of three quarters, then blow it at the end. Each team played pretty good competition and were definitely overmatched.

The reason Missouri is worse? Surprisingly, the Bengals. They managed to muster more offense than the Rams and their defense was better. So, as far as the NFL is concerned: Ohio > Missouri.

Back to how miserable it is to be a Cincinnati fan. It’s so miserable that I wasn’t even shocked to see that the Bengals lost. I wasn’t shocked by the way it happened, either. If I had watched the game live, I would have probably had a flashback to Denver in 2006 after Benson’s touchdown run (when they botched the snap on the tying extra point and consequently missed the playoffs).

The It’s Never Sunny in Cincinnati guys didn’t even have Sunday’s loss as one of the top five worst losses in Bengals history. And, after seeing that, they really shouldn’t. Even after 15+ years of caring about the Bengals and learning my lessons, I still allow myself to get excited about football season. I know, I am an idiot.

The offense blows. How do you only manage seven points against the Broncos? No offense to the Broncos – they aren’t terrible. But the Bengals offense should have lit them up. Apparently they got things off to a good start through the air. So, as the Bengals offensive coordinator, what’s the logical thing to do? Run the ball, of course! Thank God they’ve got offensive genius Bob Bratkowski calling the plays, otherwise they might be 1-0 and a worthy opponent. When you have Carson Palmer, Chad Ochocinco and Chris Henry, you should score a couple TDs…just between those three. When your defense holds a team to only six points – on field goals of 48 and 50 yards, no less – you should win.

But Bratkowski’s inept offensive game plan almost worked. After essentially abandoning the passing game, Cedric Benson’s touchdown almost saved the WhoDeys and gave them a victory. It would have won the game for any other franchise. But, no…not the Bengals.

When the Broncos got the ball back, it looked like the mediocre (at best) Kyle Orton ended the game – as it should be. Jonathan Joseph made a good defensive play and looked to make an interception. Game over, right? Again…this is the Bengals. Of course not. He lands out of bounds. For any other fan, it’s okay. They still have less than 30 seconds and 80+ yards to go. For the Bengals fan it’s more like: “Shit, they’ve only got 87 yards to go and there’s time on the clock.” Sure enough, next play, another bad decision by Orton – a pass into the middle of three Bengals defenders. And, of course, Leon Hall tips it into the air, Roy Williams decides to try and hit Brandon Marshall for no reason, and Brandon Stokely catches the ball, runs into the end zone and slaps every Bengals fan in the face. Here’s Deadspin’s remake…because the NFL’s copyright rules are too strict.
So, what does this say about the Bengals? Basically, it means all hope is virtually gone. And, if I may, I know the reason the Bengals will never be good again…

This cow ruined the Bengals rising stock...

This cow ruined the Bengals' rising stock...

Well, maybe there’s another reason…
This guys kept it from rising for years...

This guy's kept it from rising for years...

When Carson blew out his knee in the 2005 playoffs, the Bengals lost their chance at their first Super Bowl victory and I got karma’d in the nose. I will stand by that fact until I die. And I hate the Steelers more than any team. Ever. No matter what. If NFL franchises were people, I would punch the Steelers in the face as many times as I could. Especially after that cow cheap shotted Carson and rolled on his leg. Then Bill Cowher acted like a badass after barely holding off the Kitna-led Bengals with his “we dey” bull shit. And Hines Ward acted like it was payback for TJ using the terrible towel for a touchdown dance. They all make me vomit. Especially Hines Ward. And, on an unrelated note, I’d punch Marc Gasol, too.

In the end, it just blows how much Cincinnati pro sports sucks. I mean, really, does any city suck this much? Cleveland, maybe (definitely, but not in sports). They don’t really have a city or anything good at all. But at least they have LeBron. After this year, Washington has a case. The Wizards and Nationals are horrible. But the Wizards were a playoff team recently and the Redskins don’t suck all that bad (by Cincinnati standards, which means they are somewhat competitive). Detroit is in the shitter, but at least the Pistons and Red Wings kept hope up. So, because I don’t want to list any other cities, it’s settled: Cincinnati sucks more than any city.

The only thing I like about Cincinnati sports currently – Cincinnati Bearcat football. And let me take this opportunity to say…Tony Pike for Heisman. No joke. The guy’s unbelievable – numbers are ridiculous. 10.37 yard per attempt. Second only to Tim Tebow. But Tebow’s 10.9 ypa is on 39 attempts. Pike has done it on 57 attempts, and against at least one worthy foe. Tebow and the Gators have played two garbage teams – they were 70+ point favorites in one game. That should never ever happen. Pike is the man. End of story.

And now, back to hating Cincinnati professional teams. The only thing better about the Bengals than the Reds: you know the Bengals’ playoffs hopes are gone after four weeks. It takes three and a half months for the Reds to do that. What sucks about both of them: neither one is ever good. And they are almost always chosen to be the “dark horse” in their respective leagues. But, against my better judgment, I buy into it every year. At least Bob Castellini cares and tries to keep fans somewhat happy. Mike Brown is a selfish prick who does just enough to make the money he wants to make.

Still, I will forge ahead, forever loving the Bengals and Reds…slightly less than the Bearcats and Elder Panthers. Who Dey.


~ by nchaney3 on September 18, 2009.

One Response to “I hate (but still love) the Bengals”

  1. […] hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. I briefly mentioned my distaste for those unintelligent baboons in a previous post, but my hate goes so much deeper that, in honor of this weekend’s big game, I have decided to […]

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